By Makgosi Letimile
By A few years ago, while I was still working in corporate, my employer threw a party for us. On the night of the party, we were all ready to have an incredible night. A workmate of mine, who happens to be disabled showed up with her husband and had the best time, dancing the night away with her husband. I remember the exact conversation that was happening as they were spinning and kissing on the floor, men mostly were admiring the husband for staying with the womxn and womxn were envious of a man who stayed despite the disability.
I’m sharing this because just over a week ago I was thinking on the limited, if not non-existent partnerships and companionships that come with disability. Add onto that, being a Black womxn and it complicates matters even further. Yes, there are women who find partners that are both loving and supportive but for the majority of us, the black disabled womxn, it almost feels as though we are expected to do without companionship. That we should just be okay with being alone. If and when we do get companionship, the expectation is that we should be happy with any level of love and treatment cause it’s better than nothing, right? Wrong.
I’ve had a married man bombard me with his proposal and unsolicited dick pics. As men do. I’ve yet to block the man because, if I’m being honest, it’s been interesting to observe how he views himself as my better option. I found myself thinking on this repeatedly. How he views himself as better, as an option at all, because after all, at least he is paying attention to me, right?
A few months ago I asked if disabled womxn are ever seen as beings that are sexual and have needs that they’d like to be met orgasmically so, and the responses I got leaned more towards a troubling outlook. Many people felt that if I were to fall pregnant as a disabled womxn it would most likely be as a result of an act of sexual violence rather than an experience that is consensual and loving. This is a frightening and all too real prospect.
I have been single for a year. It’s been an interesting time navigating my disability without companionship. While that very navigation has been eye-opening one thing that I’m certain of is that I’d rather be alone than have a man, who treats me like they are doing me a favour. Love and companionship are nice. I’m a recovering sex blogger without a sex life, that painful irony never escapes me. I can’t help but wonder how much physical strength I would actually have if I had somebody to turn me out at least 3times a week. I’m in my prime, damn it.
I also want somebody to look at me with stars in their eyes. I want to be loved. To be held. To be given orgasms that have me shaking. I can only hope one day it comes true.