How to get paid: A guide to getting what’s yours

“See I believe in money, power and respect.
First you get the money.
Then you get the muthafuckin power.
After you get the fuckin’ power, muthafuckas will respect you.”

These are some of the truest words ever spoken. For me, this is right up there with Martin Luther King Jr.’s ‘I Have a Dream’ speech and Maya Angelou’s Phenomenal Woman. Who is the orator of these poetic words, you ask? It’s none other than the Queen of Brooklyn herself, Lil’ Kim. Ever since I heard her spit these lines, I knew it was the mantra that would guide my life. However, at 25, I feel like the dream Kim spoke about is slipping through my fingers.

Now in order to gain “muthafuckas respect”, Kim clearly states that I need to have power and the only way to that power, is money. This is where I’m struggling at the moment. It’s not like I haven’t tried to get “da monaay” it’s more like other people just won’t pay me what I’m worth. And no, I’m not just hanging around waiting for people to hand me stacks on stacks. I have a job – I’m just having some issues with the whole “my boss won’t pay me a decent wage/on time” thing.

Look, I am a university educated woman, confident in my competency and skill-set, yet when it comes to negotiating a salary or even just asking to be paid on time, I get all weird and shit. At first I was embarrassed to talk about my money woes to friends. It seemed like everyone else was great at this, but one day I’d finally had enough and blurted it out: “My boss never pays me and when I ask, he makes me feel like I’ve caused him a great hassle”. Instead of shaming me for not sorting the shit out, some of my friends told me they were experiencing similar problems.

And it’s not just my group of friends; Google tells me heaps of people are having trouble as well. There are a number of articles explaining how employees should go about getting paid. Here are the highlights, also see that I have included my thoughts in italics.

1) Raise a grievance with HR.
Okay, but what happens when there is no HR!

2) Speak to your trade union.
I did not know I had a trade union.

3) Quit
Sure, I’ll just quit. That way I’ll have no money aaand no job.

4) Have a frank discussion with your boss.
Hahahaha, go fuck yourself Google advice.

None of these tips look like they’re going to help me get that paper. So, I’ve come up with a song that I think we should all email to our bosses so they can get the message. If you’re really serious, I suggest you perform it – in front of the entire office!

Please note, I did not have enough time to come up with an entire song so I’ve taken the iconic Destiny’s Child track Bills, Bills, Bills and adapted it for our money getting purposes.

I Can’t Pay my Bills

At first it started out real cool
Was excited to do what I’d studied for
But now, you’re making me feel
Like I don’t do enough to warrant pay
You’re slowly making me feel like
I need to ask for the money you should be handling
And now you’ve asked me to work overtime (time)
Have me work all day and don’t give me a dime
And you have the audacity to even come and step to me
Telling me I’m lucky to have this job
You doing me a favour, see

You trifling
(Good for nothing employer)
Silly me
(Why haven’t I found another)
(A job) one that will actually pay me right
(Instead of) a dummy like you who don’t know what pay’s about

I can’t pay my bills
My rent and my cell phone bills
My McDonalds and clothing bills
If you did then maybe I could chill
I don’t think you will
So, Imma have to shit on you
I can’t pay my bills
My rent and cell phone bills
My McDonalds and clothing bills
If you did then maybe I could chill
I don’t think you will
So, Imma have to shit on you.